Fear of the Dermatologist

Today was my 18 month follow up after having 15 radiation treatments on the skin lymphoma that was conveniently located on my left buttock.  I didn’t realize it until I was walking out of the clinic that I pretty much dread these appointments.  This time I thought I was doing just fine leading up to today, but looking back, I know that I was tense, way deep down.  I think it is safe to say that I hate going to the dermatologist.

It has nothing to do with the clinic or even the people at  the clinic.  It’s me.  It’s the fact that I walked into that place 20 months ago expecting to be told I had eczema only to find out that I had cancer.  There are so many emotions and fears that are wrapped up in that word.  There are so many parts of my life that have been and forever will be affected by the day they told me I had skin lymphoma.  The same day I had to go the lab to check my blood for cancer and to the radiology department to make sure there was no cancer in my chest.  I hate thinking about that day, and every time I walk into that place I am reminded of that day. 

Today my doctor told me that he doesn’t need to see me for a year.  His exact words were, “You have graduated to yearly skin checks!”  I am so thankful for those words!  One, because it means that my skin has remained clear since I finished my radiation 18 months ago and, two, because it means I can go an entire 12 months before I have to go back to that place.

I don’t know if I will ever get over my “fear” of the dermatologist.  I don’t know if I will ever be able to walk into that clinic without a tense feeling inside me.  I don’t even know if I will remain lymphoma free for the rest of my life.  But I do know that God is bigger than all of this.  I know without a doubt that He has been with me through this entire journey, comforting me, growing me and healing me.  Lastly,I know that I can’t live in fear of lymphoma because God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power and love.  And that is what I will lean on as I celebrate that I am 18 months lymphoma free!!!