Yesterday I had my last follow-up appointment with my Radiation/Oncology doctor that treated my Skin Lymphoma 4 years ago this month. I have been on yearly check ups for the last few years with him. I didn't know it was going to be my last appointment, but I definitely walked out of that place fighting back tears. Every time I see an appointment with him pop up on my calendar, I go back to that time and feel all the yucky feelings I was experiencing when I was going through radiation treatment. I get nervous and anxious and start to think about that spot on my left cheek (butt, that is). After not looking at it or thinking about for the last year, I get out my hand mirror, twist into the light and give it a good hard look. I see red, dry spots that aren't there and wonder if it's coming back. I stress over it for a few days, get mad at myself for obsessing over it and then I look at it again. And all the while, I know the truth. I know that there are no red, dry spots. I know that the area looks EXACTLY the same as it has for the last 3 1/2 years. I know that there are no cancer cells there because it was biopsied 1 1/2 years ago to be sure. Yet, every time I see that appointment on my calendar, that is where my mind wants to go. So when the doctor said, "I don't think I need to see you anymore," I felt so much relief and gratitude.
I told the nurse at the clinic, when I was leaving, "I am so glad you all are here, but I really hope I never have to see you again." She laughed and agreed. I am sure she hears that all the time. I know patients used to say that to me back in my nursing days. I never took offense. I was so happy to see patients get better and go home. Sitting in my car, stared at this sign:
I texted Shad, my biggest supporter, and told him the news. He made a comment about my nice butt and I laughed. I replied that the doctor said that my "butt is looking good" and he laughed. And I thanked God for His love and strength and for getting me through the whole cancer experience with a peace I never knew was possible. Next I texted my parents who were a huge help to me during that time. I remember when my mom came and stayed with us for several days the first week of radiation, we talked a lot about how cancer affects us emotionally. She shared how she felt when she was driving her 5 year old kiddo an hour each way for his chemo treatments 30 years ago. Her and I, we think and feel a lot alike. My dad told me he was happy for my "clean butt, er diagnosis" from my doctor. Ha! And then I texted a few friends. Some that walked along side me during the treatment. Maria, who came to my house and watched the kids for me and brought me the best pair of sweat pants I have ever owned. Rory who prayed for me and encouraged me via text constantly. And Heather and Meaghan who didn't know me back then, but are always just a text away and love to celebrate good news with me.
I want to say that I am thankful for skin lymphoma, for a couple of reasons. First of all, if you are going to have cancer, have an type that you can see on your skin. All I have to do is get out a mirror and I can, once again, be comforted that it is still gone. I see the slightly thinned, slightly lighter skin in that area. I see the 5 tiny black "tattoos" they gave me for the radiation and I smile because it is all evidence that I had cancer and now I don't. Secondly, I am thankful that Skin Lymphoma is slow to spread (I had it for 8 years!) and highly treatable. I am thankful that it was not inside my body, so I did not have to do chemotherapy or be subject to painful needle sticks and bone marrow biopsies. And then I think about my friends and family members that have gone through "real" cancer in the last few years. Being subject to invasive surgeries, port-a-caths, chemo, hair falling out, painful radiation burns and that's not even mentioning the crazy, painful, scary emotional stuff. Cancer really sucks! Thankfully, we have a God that loves us and gives us what we need to get through. And I am thankful that He puts people in our lives to help us get through.
I will still see my dermatologist annually. I am guessing for the rest of my life, which is fine with me. And there is a possibility that I could get new spots on my skin. It could even come back in my blood. I pray that it doesn't. But, if it did come back, I know that I have a doctor that is there for me if I need him, a husband that is right by my side, family that will drop everything to help and support and friends that love me and pray for me, and know just what I need (like comfy sweats or hot coffee). 4 years ago I had cancer on my skin and now...I don't! Praise God!
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