Doubt

It’s been a week and half since we got the last supporting document turned in for our adoption application.  It was a little bit of work getting all the information they were looking for, which included a letter from my doctor regarding the nature of, and prognosis of the lymphoma I was treated for last year.  It’s been an eye opening experience, putting ourselves out there for the agency to read about and, ultimately determine, if we will be approved to adopt a child from Haiti.  We still haven’t heard back from the agency yet.  And while waiting is not always easy, it is easy to busy ourselves to the point that we don’t have to think about it too much.  Also, Shad and I went into this knowing that we may get approved and we may not.  We trust that it’s in God’s plan no matter what happens.  Even if we do not end up bringing a child home some day. 

But with all that being said, I have found that doubt is a very easy place for me to go.  At least 10 times a day I wonder if this is really the plan God has for our lives.  I wonder how in the world God decided that our family was the right family to bring an adopted child into.  I wonder, too, if this is even God’s plan or if we are making it up as we go, convincing ourselves that this is what God wants us to do.

Yesterday morning, at my bible study, I was asked to stand and make my second announcement about the Called to Love Retreat.  It took me a moment to get the words out because I was still recovering from the story a lady had just shared about her struggles with infertility.  But, I stood and told all the ladies that if they knew of a woman or were interested themselves that I would have cards with the website on it for them.  When we broke for small groups, I quickly walked out to put my cards on the kiosk.  I was stopped by one woman that was interested in Called to Love.  She told me about her five adopted children.  Yes, I said five!  I quickly handed her the card and told her to register quick because I was sure she could use a break.

Next a quiet, sweet lady approached me.  She wondered if women who were seriously considering adoption, but hadn’t proceeded with one, were welcome at the retreat.  She said her daughter was considering adopting and that she thought the retreat would be good for her.  I told her absolutely.  I went on to explain that I have merely applied to adopt and yet here I was helping to put the retreat together.  She kindly took a card and started to walk away.  Suddenly, she turned to tell me something else, something that God knew I needed to hear, I have no doubt about that.  She told me, “I was adopted and my whole life I knew that my parents were the parents I was meant to have.  Your child will grow up knowing that too.”  I stared at her for a moment, blinked back tears and then I mumbled “thank you for telling me that.” 

When I think about her words, I am so thankful that God used this woman to speak to me.  I know that I will have doubts again regarding adopting.  But, thankfully, God knows that too and He will use just the right moment to remind me why we are doing this.  It’s not for us, it’s for a child that does not have a family, that needs love and a home.  My prayer is that God will continue to remind me when I need to stop thinking of myself and remember that He is in control.