Radiation, Day 15: A Recap

I had my last radiation treatment last Wednesday.  I've spent the weekend trying to get back into the swing of things.  I started to notice this at the beginning of the week, last week, but it didn't really start to make sense until I was thinking about it just this morning.  I have been experiencing some kind of weird post-cancer treatment mourning.  I can only compare it to having a baby.  You spend so much time being all consumed with being pregnant that when it's over, even though you spent the last 4 weeks just dying to have that baby out of your body, you have a little bit of sadness that you aren't pregnant anymore.  It's been the same with the radiation being over.  I have spent the last three months thinking about almost nothing but having cancer and having to go through radiation.  And now that the treatment is over, there's a bit of a let down.  I know it doesn't make much sense and sounds almost sick to be sad that I am done being treated for cancer, but that's just how it feels.

In the room where I changed into my hospital issue pajama pants each day, there was a flier on the wall for a cancer survivor's support group.  The headline said something about living a normal life after cancer treatment.  I read that thing everyday while I was changing, mostly because it was just there.  I thought each day about how it must be difficult to get back to life after having radiation and chemotherapy.  After being told that you may die from this.  What I didn't realize was that there is a certain degree of difficulty even after being told that the cancer is localized to the area on your skin, you won't need any kind of chemo therapy and we are only going to do fifteen treatments of radiation. 

So I spent the weekend in a strange mood.  Shad will tell you that yesterday, I was touchy and took everything personally.  At the time I didn't know why I was in a bad mood, but I did know that something was bothering me.  And then this morning as I was vacuuming it hit me.  I had a bunch of weird feelings about being done with my cancer treatment.  And once I realized it, I got excited.  I guess that was all I needed was to face those feelings of sadness and confusion.  Because after I did, I knew I could move on.  I started to think about all the things I have on my calendar in the coming month.  And besides a couple of follow up appointments with my dermatologist and radiation/oncologist, none of the things on my schedule have to do with cancer or radiation.  Praise God!  I am done with radiation! 

This was written on the certificate they gave me after my last radiation treatment.  I don't know how high my courage was, but I know God was there helping me to be courageous and I think it showed in my attitude.  I tried very hard to be cheerful when I walked into that place each day because 1)  I knew God was in control, fighting this battle and 2)  because I knew I did not still have a course of chemotherapy to face after.  I know I am not completely done with my cancer story.  I still have to wait and see how the rash is going to heal.  It looks a lot better and seems to be getting more blotchy as opposed to a solid pinkish/red area.  I can even see a small spot within the rash that looks like normal pink skin.  However this story ends, I know, without a doubt, that God has been by my side through all of it.  And whether the lymphoma goes completely away and I never have to face it again, or if it only fades but has to be managed for the rest of my life, my God will never leave me.  And for that I am forever thankful.

I am also thankful for all of you.  Almost every day since I was told I have mycosis fungoides, I have received a text, phone call, personal visit, letter in the mail, email, blog comment or Facebook message that has made me smile, cry and feel loved.  The prayers and encouragement were overwhelming, in a good way.  My wonderful friend, Maria, even bought me some sweats and a T-shirt because she said I needed to be comfy during my radiation.  Another friend, Jen T., drove an hour just to bring us dinner, so I wouldn't have to worry about it.  I can't tell you how much your words and love mean to me.  Maybe that was part of the post-treatment let down, knowing that things will go back to normal and that the messages will probably stop.  And that's alright.  I know that I am loved by all of you.  Thank  you.  I love you all!