Pressure!

So I've got a lot of stuff building up and I gotta let it out or I may just explode! I feel like I've been saying "life is never easy" a lot lately. Mostly in reference to mine and Shad's, but I have also said it friends too. So I wonder, is life EVER easy? Right now I just don't know.


Yesterday I took the kids to the park to watch a balloon twisting demonstration. There were a ton of kids. I don't know if they didn't expect that many or if the lady usually doesn't bring enough balloons for everyone. So with each animal she demo'd her assistant would walk out into the crowd and give her creations to random kids. Well, my little Joshua takes life very personally and was devastated each and every time he didn't get a balloon. I was trying so hard to explain to him that not everyone is going to get one and I definitely want my kids to learn that sometimes life is disappointing, but it is so hard to watch them go through it! Gut wrenching really. So as he kept not getting one he started saying, "I just want to go home, Mom." With giant crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks. ARRGH!!! (I will say that his friend, Addison, was so kind at the end of the day and gave the unicorn in a heart balloon to Josh and Hannah. What a sweetie!)


So because I was feeling so badly about yesterday when I took the kids to Target today I decided to get them each a little something. Hannah, of course, got a couple of tank tops. And Josh got a new K'nex set, a dozer. Now he has the Kid K'nex that are geared toward preschool kids, so the parts are pretty large. He builds with those about an average of an hour a day. So I got him some with the recommended age of 5. I spent an hour, just me and him, building a monster truck and then a dozer. The whole time feeling like such a great mom spending all this one on one time with him as Hannah was napping. After the dozer was finished I told Josh I needed to make dinner. He proceeded to throw the dozer across the room and begin to cry. I guess that hour was not as magical for him as it was for me. ARRGH!!!


My good friend Debbie and her husband have invited me to go on a trip, airfare and hotel paid by them, with Debbie for a long girls weekend later this month. Initially I was so excited! Shad even told me to take some cash out of savings to use as "guilt free" spending money. It is all set. So why do I feel like if I go God is going to punish me? I sometimes feel giddy with excitement, as I should, when I think about going. But most of the time I get a huge knot in my stomach and feel sick. What is wrong with me? Does God not want me to go on this trip, or am I just being crazy?? Who wouldn't want to go on a shopping, lay by the pool vacation with a good girlfriend? And this was to accompany her so she could get away from her stress filled life! My hands are shaking as I type this. Again I say, what is wrong with me?? ARRGH!!!


And in my messed up way of avoiding "punishment" from God because I am not sure if I should even go on this trip, I avoid spending time with Him. Boy that really helps. ARRGH!!!


And did I mention we still have no idea where we are going to end up after Shad finishes this job? I know God has a plan, but it seems like when one thing is pestering me, worrying about where we will live in the next 6 months starts to bother me too. God knows the plan...God knows the plan. (I hope He tells us soon!) ARRGH!!!


Sorry about the rambling, but I needed to say it and, hey, this is my blog, right? Thanks for enduring this post and I really hope all of you with some great advice will figure out how to leave a comment because I really could use some! Even if is just to say "Buck up you big baby!"