Minding My Own Business

I’ve been mulling over my last post for the last few days.  I am not regretful that I wrote it or posted it, and I have some more thoughts to share:

1) I’m really not a jerk, just processing life.

2) It’s not specifically adopting that is causing me anxiety.

3) I am actually really excited to have another kiddo in the house and look forward to what God has in store for our family.

4) I am mourning my ability to mind my own business.

No, it’s true.  I don’t really think that I am a jerk.  It’s just that he last two years of life have been, essentially, in an upheaval.  Even if it is for good, no life upheaval is easy nor enjoyable.  In the last two years Shad and I have moved to a new city/state, moved twice in that city/state, changed churches, changed small groups, made all new friends (not that we stopped loving the friends back home), left our families, lost our family and friend babysitters, put our dog to sleep (ugh!), Shad changed positions to more responsibility at work, Bethany is not a baby anymore (wah!), sold most of our outdoor fun toys, had to deal with cancer like 89 times (me, Michelle, Karen, Karen’s husband, my friend’s mom and that same friend a month later) and just plane ‘ol had everything change in our lives.  I think it is alright that we (Shad and I) are still processing all of the changes in our lives.  It’s no wonder that the hugest one of all, being asked to travel to Bulgaria and bring a wonderful new life into our family, would be a little off putting.

I have been blaming all of my questions about life, and the anxiety that has come from that, on the one change that brings the most unknowns, adoption.  When, really, I know that it is the culmination of all of the changes in my life that is causing me to question life.  While I do still have a lot to learn and a lot of questions about how the whole adoption is going to work, I do have a sense of peace about what God has called us to do.  I know that He has been speaking to my heart a lot in the last 48 hours about this subject and it is causing a lot of excitement in me.  The same kind of excitement that comes with being pregnant and imagining what our kiddo is going to look like, act like, enjoy eating, boy or girl?…

Through all of my thinking and praying over the last couple of days, I have come to realize what I am really missing is my ability to mind my own business.  God will not let me mind my own business.  I would love to be able to stay in the groove we have carved out for our family.  Staying in the status quo of our life would be so nice and much more comfortable.  But, I can’t.  I have to allow God to make me squirm a little (or a lot!).  To be molded and changed to be more like Him.  That doesn’t look the same from person to person, but for Shad and I it appears that down sizing, giving more of our finances to causes that are WAY bigger than us, becoming aware of the yucky stuff in the world and being open to God’s moving on our hearts (whatever that may be) and adopting are some of the ways that God is molding and changing us to be more like Him. 

**Phew!  I’m tired after that paragraph.**

Another subject that I wanted to touch on is Called to Love.  I am afraid that I gave it a negative “vibe” after my last post.  Let me just say that Called to Love was wonderful!  I was moved, encouraged and loved on by God over that weekend.  It was (and is) a privilege to be a part of the retreat planning team.  Anyone that was there will tell you that it was a weekend of rejuvenation with moving and informative speakers and amazing worship.  God was there, no question.

For me, personally, I felt out of my element for a few reasons.  The first goes back to that whole “uncomfortable” business.  I loved having a vendor table representing Haitian Creations.  But, I forgot that I do not like to sell things.  Asking someone to buy something is like a confrontation to me, and I normally avoid confrontation like the plague.  Seriously, I am that much of a wimp.  But, I had to step outside of my comfort zone and do it.  And I did it for the beautiful women in Haiti that make the purses and jewelry for their livelihood.  They buy their food and educate their children with the money they earn through working for Haitian Creations.  I had to do it, even if I broke out in a sweat every time I stood at my table.  Again, seriously?!

Finally, I think the best description I can think of to describe why Called to Love was hard for me is a comment my friend, Jen, left me on FB:

“I read your blog finally and commented. YOU ARE SO NOT A JERK! You are wise and happen to be surrounded by a bit more sober reality than most people in your shoes! Haha! Sorry about that. It's like making a first-time pregnant mom hang out with a mom of triplet toddlers. Boy toddlers.”

Ha!  It was maybe just a little too big of a dose of reality for someone so early on in the adoption process.  And that is OK.  It’s not easy to take, but I need to know what to prepare for when adopting a kiddo that will come from a hard place.  He/she will be coming from an orphanage where she may or may not be loved on, talked to, hugged or even fed as much as one should be.  Shad and I NEED to be prepared for these things.  And we are ready to be prepared for these things.  Obviously, God has put these friends and Called to Love in my life for a very good reason and I am thankful for all of it, even if it makes me squirm a little lot.  All of that being said, if you are an adoptive or foster mom in the Pacific Northwest, go to Called to Love!

The End.