Fear

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.     2 Chorinthians 12:9-10

I do not like to talk about my weaknesses, let alone, boast about them.  Oh brother, that takes humility.  I like to keep my weaknesses all bottled up in my brain where they are safe and sound.  However, today I am going to talk about one of my weaknesses.  I have to talk about this or it is going to eat me alive.  The weakness I am talking about is fear.  Letting one little thought enter my mind, then rolling it around until I have myself convinced that it is real.

Something happened after I was told that I had lymphoma.  I went from believing that the skin rash I had was no big deal to undergoing radiation treatment for cancer.  It has changed the way I think.  Those headaches that I have gotten for years and know that they are related to my jaw, are now a serious brain tumor.  That stomach ache I always get after eating out too much is now stomach cancer.  Constipation, definitely colon cancer.  I check my lymph nodes in my neck all the time for swelling just be sure that the lymphoma (which is pretty much gone on my skin) has not gone systemic and I am going to have to have chemotherapy.  It all sounds so silly as I write it out, but it's real.  The fear is real.

My brain takes me even further.  I start to think about my kids having to grow up without me.  Bethany is too young to actually remember me.  Have I taught Hannah enough about being a woman for her to carry with her after the cancer takes me?  Did I yell at Josh too much?  Is he only going to remember his mom being mad at him?  How will Shad live without me?  I'm not ready to leave my family!  These are some of the thoughts that go through my brain on a daily basis.  Some days I feel physically nervous with shaky hands, butterflies in my stomach and twisted up guts.  I can't seem to make it stop.

A friend left me this comment after my post about the lymphoma:

"That was EXACTLY how I felt when I was told I had a carcinoma in my nose. I had left it there for 18 months just kind of willing it to go away and it never did and when I went to see a dermatologist they biopspied (sp) it and indeed it was skin cancer. I feel like I handled it just like you describe in this post. Kind of numb, surreal to be told you have cancer, but then extreme relief that it won't kill you and they can cure it. I had to have a 4 hour surgery which included a total reconstruction of my nose to remove and repair the damage of the tumor. Luckily it turned out okay. But what I want to say that even though it all went very smoothly and very nicely and God's hand was on me at every point - it did affect me to some degree. It was like I had PTSD a few months afterwards. So don't be surprised if you find yourself stopping and feeling enormous grief at some point - it's like letting go of the big giant "thing" that you had to deal with. Anyway, my two cents and I know how you feel!!"

That PTSD that she is talking about, I get it.  I feel like I am being haunted by my cancer diagnosis.  Even though it seems to be just fine and pretty much gone, I can't shake it.  It torments me.  And it's nothing more than fear.  I don't really have a hopeful way to end this post, so I'll just leave it with a request to pray for me.  The fear sucks and I am ready for it to be gone.