Radiation, Day 11

Since Monday, radiation has been very uneventful.  This is, of course, a good thing.  The rash itself is dry, itchy and stings sometimes.  I noticed yesterday that the one inch perimeter around the rash is starting to look red.  I am taking all of this to be a good thing.  On Monday when the doctor said the area looked pretty much the same to him, I started feeling discouraged.  That the radiation wasn't doing anything.  Honestly, I am just fine with my skin getting sore and red if it means the treatment is working.

I have had to ask God, over and over, to forgive me for feeling discouraged and afraid.  His promise is that He will fight this battle and that I don't need to feel discouraged or afraid.  Boy, that is not easy.  This cancer, even if it's not super serious, has made me face my mortality.  No one wants to have to think about dying.  And at age 35, it's really not a fun thing to do.  Don't get me wrong, I know my treasure is in Heaven.  I look forward to spending eternity with Jesus.  But when I think about Shad raising our kids alone or Josh, Hannah and Bethany growing up without their mom, oh that stings.  A lot.  And no one said I was going to die.  But there is just something about going through treatment for cancer that makes you have to face these things.  Ya, that's enough of that.

I have been pretty quiet through all of this.  It's hard to talk to people about how I am feeling.  I tend to want to retreat inside myself and act like I am just fine.  (I don't even like typing this out.)  But I need you all to know that I crave your words of encouragement and love.  I need to hear it.  So, I may not always want to talk, but I do love your messages here, on facebook and your texts and voice mails.  So I am asking you to not take my quietness personally.  Every time I get a message from any of you, it comes at just the right moment.  Thank you for loving me and my family.  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for reaching out to me.  I love you all and appreciate each and everyone of you.

Now, on the lighter side of lymphoma.  Stress can be a good thing.  Before Maui I was working like crazy to lose my Bethany weight.  I met my goal of being in the 140's before we left.  But I was really worried about not being able to work out during the radiation treatment because my skin was supposed to be super sore, like a really bad sunburn.  We're not quite there yet, we'll see if it gets that bad.  Also, the treatments are during the time that I would normally be having my workout time.  So I have had to let it go and accept that I have more important things to worry about.  Turns out, Shad and I played so hard on our trip (get your head out of the gutter, I meant outdoor play) that I lost a couple pounds that week.  And then we came home and I've been an emotional wreck, so I have lost a couple more pounds.  Thankfully, I am a non-eater when I am stressed.  All that being said, I need to get some new jeans because all my jeans are pretty much too big.  Yay!

God gave me two verses when I was waiting to hear my biopsy results.  I recite them to myself all day long and during the radiation.  God is my rock.  Without Him this would be so much more difficult.  I will leave you with His promises for me.  This is my hope:

The horse is made ready for the day of battle,

but victory rests with the Lord.

Proverbs 21:31

You will not have to fight this battle.

Take up your positions;

stand firm and see the deliverance

the Lord will give you,

O Judah and Jerusalem.

Do not be afraid;

do not be discouraged.

Go out to face them tomorrow,

and the Lord will be with you.

2 Chronicles 20:17