I have been trying very hard to keep my composure since last Monday when I started radiation. But today, it's really hard. I thought I would be happy to see that I have lost another 1.6 pounds, but it just reminds me that my guts are twisted up and my appetite is not great. My nerves are just about shot. I'm sad and nervous. I want to say that I can just give it to God and He will give me peace, but I can't. Honestly, I don't even want to pray about it. I want to curl up on the couch and escape into a TV show or read a mindless book. I want to forget that I am being treated for cancer.
And on the other hand, I feel like a big whiner. What right do I have to be so sad and nervous? I am having only 15 treatments that they think will cure the lymphoma and no chemo. I don't have cancer coursing through my veins. It's not that bad, right? That lady today will have 32 treatments. The other lady is so weak she's in a wheel chair and will be starting chemo soon that will only make her weaker. What do I have to be so upset about? It's like I'm a cancer impostor.
I was really hoping to gain a great testimony from this experience. I wanted to blog as I went through this so that people would be inspired. Look at her going through cancer and totally leaning on God to give her peace. And today I don't even want to talk to Him. I need Him for my strength, but I don't have the strength to need Him today. I want to stare at the wall and not think. Or pray. Radiation, day 3. It was rough.
2 comments:
Oh friend. I so admire your honesty. Sometimes being strong is admitting that you don't feel strong. You have every right to feel a little sorry for yourself and to be scared and concerned. I want you to know that I am praying for you and intereceding for you, even when you don't feel like praying for yourself. Besides, no testimony is complete until the aftermath. :) Give yourself time and give yourself a break. He understands.
It's so sad that there are so many people who don't have to go through this for cancer "treatment". I know of so many people who were cured from "incurable" diseases by balancing their body by using natural remedies. So many times I've heard of people going to medical doctors who say, "There's nothing we can do for you" or "I don't know what this is or how to treat it" and then the patient goes to an Osteopathic doctor who knows exactly what it is and how to cure it. It's normally something as simple as a vitamin deficiency or pH imbalance, or they just need to stop eating processed foods and other food that is loaded with poison that is killing us. I wish everyone would read the books "Natural Cures They Don't Want You to Know About" by Kevin Trudeau and "pH Miracle" by Dr. Robert Young. When my mom is cured from her ALS, she will have one heck of a testimony.
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