***For those of you that don't want to know about things like breast milk, latching, pumping or postpartum craziness, you may just want to skip this one.***
I am not a mom that thinks that breast feeding it the best and only way to feed an infant. I don't find it necessarily enjoyable, but I do understand how a mom would enjoy it. But when I have a new baby I always feel like I should nurse for as long as I can stand it. I made it 3 weeks with Josh. It was a lot harder than I expected physically and emotionally. I nursed Hannah for 9 weeks. Stopping was decided through a combination of having a 20 month old climbing on me while I nursed, having a very slow eater, going in for a tonsillectomy 9 weeks after having her and a sincere dislike for pumping.
With Bethany my plan was to nurse her for as long as I could. I was handling it just fine and she was doing great up until about 4 days ago. I would nurse her, then she would just fuss and attempt to root to anything that came close to her mouth. Needless to say she was still hungry. It all came to a head the other night when I had been up with her for 3 hours in the middle of the night and I just could not get her to be full. I finally went and woke Shad up, feeling like a complete failure, bawling like a baby and he went to take care of her. I knew what she needed, but I was torn about giving it to her. I knew Shad would have no trouble giving her a bottle so I chose not to think about it and went to sleep.
After a few hours of sleep and a recharge to my sanity, I realized that maybe she is just a little pig and needs to be topped off with some formula after she nurses. So we did that for a few days. I would nurse her for 30-45 minutes, then she would still take 1 or 2 ounces from the bottle. She was happy again. I decided I wanted to know how much she was actually eating so yesterday I went to the breast feeding support group at the hospital. They weigh her before and after she nurses and can calculate how many ounces of milk she gets when she nurses.
I walked into the room thinking that she was going to look like a total pig since she was eating so much. We weighed her before as she frantically cried for food. She had gained 9 ounces in a week. I nursed her for 50 minutes then hopped up to get her on the scale. As soon as I layed her down she started to cry and suck on her hands, just like she had been doing. I said to the nurse, "see this is what she does." She had to reweigh her twice. She was perplexed. One ounce, that was it. In an hour she got one ounce. I wanted to cry, but felt stupid, so I didn't. The nurse wasn't quite sure why my milk supply was so low, and neither was I. I'm still not. She told me my options were that I could start pumping to see if I could build the supply back up or I was going to have to decide if I wanted to continue breast feeding.
As I drove home I felt sad and annoyed at the same time. I was annoyed because I was sad. What's the big deal? I bottle fed the other two kids and I don't even like breast feeding all that much. I realized that the draw to breast feeding for me is more about the control than anything else. Yes, I do want them to get all the good antibodies from me, but really I want my baby to rely completely on me to be fed. I want to be in control and be most important to her. Don't get me wrong I want Shad to be able to bond with her even through feeding her, but I want the control. And as long as I am nursing her, I have that control. I decided that I have to let it go. I have to accept that my milk has dwindled and give up the control that I thought I had. My little girl loves me and needs me whether or not I am the only one that can feed her. That's hard to accept.
It is easier today for me and it helps that I pumped twice in the last 24 hours just to relieve the pressure (only got one ounce, by the way) and now my nipples are so sore. Did I mention I hate pumping? Bethany is doing just great with the bottles and formula, she actually seems to like it better. And it was really cute to see Hannah feeding her a bottle this morning. I told Shad last night that as soon as I can get into my regular bras again, I am going to ceremonially burn my two nursing bras. I cannot stand them and the fact that they creak every time I move. Have you seen Sixteen Candles? Remember the scene at the church where the short little lady walks away and she is creaking. I had to ask my mom what that was and she explained that women used to wear girdles that sometimes would creak when they walked. That's me with my nursing bras. Every move I make: creak, creak, creak. So between looking forward to that and the fact that Bethany is doing just fine, I am accepting my inability to be in control. I am setting aside the postpartum crazies to just enjoy the growth of our family and that sweet little girl. I am also thanking God that we live in a place where I even get the option to not breast feed.
4 comments:
Oh girl, you are amazing. I was crying right along with you when reading this because I have had my own nursing issues with each one of my girls. Exhausting. Frustrating. Brought me to tears many times. I ALWAYS struggled with my supply and their demand. I tried every doggone thing in the book...I was waaaay too hard on myself and was always discouraged when other moms would judge me for whipping out a bottle. SO, from one mom who COMPLETELY understands to another, I applaud your perspective and willingness to let this part go. Breastfeeding does not by itself a good mom make. Bethany is a healthy, deeply loved baby, and she has one extraordinary mama. No antibodies in the world can beat that.
Girl,
if it makes you feel any better - I am a total breastfeeding dropout. I don't know why - but I absolutely HATE doing it (after about 4 weeks). I don't mind the first month, but after that I feel done!(that is usually when I get my first case of mastisis). I am a much happier person when bottle feeding - but I feel SO GUILTY that I dont' breastfeed. Anyway, in the end, with the last three babies I was fully bottlefeeding by 3 months old. Oh well!! I'm right there with ya. I guess I always think that although I feel so guilty, I am happier when bottle feeding.
You know what?? My mom bottle fed me from day one, didn't even ever try breast feeding! And I am totally fine, well-adjusted, and the smartest person you know, right?! Just kidding, but everything will be fine. And while I didn't mind breast feeding I remember feeling upset when at four months Ava decided she preferred the bottle to me! It was hard, but we made it through, just like you will.
I still need to come see you all, but the girls were sick with runny nose cold when Bethany was born and now I am on the tail end of fighting it. Maybe Spring Break?!
The first month is always the hardest, and also the most important. Annalise liked to suck until my nipples bled, and that was only the first night! The nurse gave her a pacifier, which I was totally against until I saw that that's what she needed. I nursed her til she was 1. I nursed Elijah til he was a little older than 2 and that was hard to wean him. He was addicted, and still is. I nursed Kayla until she was 5 months cuz she started biting (really hard). I only nursed Kristin for two weeks. I was a new mom and didn't have anyone to help me. Every kid is different. At least you tried and put your baby first.
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