I really don't want to be a complainer. I really don't. This was planned, I wanted to do this! But I need to talk about it, get it off my chest. So here goes...I.FEEL.LIKE.CRAP! The nausea starts the minute I get up and lasts pretty much all day. After dinner time it gets a little better but by then I am suffering from the typical pregnancy bloating. Blah. That's how I feel. Blah.
I have been blessed in the past with 2 fairly easy, non eventful pregnancies. That includes no morning sickness with Josh and just a little Blah with Hannah that didn't last but a couple of weeks. So far this one is completely different. Shad says he can see it on my face. I feel awful. The worst part is not being able to take care of my family and home the way I want to. It is really hard for me to go into the kitchen and prepare a meal for us in the evening. Nothing sounds good to me, but I still need to feed Shad and the kids. Thankfully they have not been picky. The other night the kids had frozen pizza, Shad had a bowl of cereal and I had some white rice. I feel so useless. Shad says not to worry, he will come home from work and pick up the slack. That I only need to worry about growing this baby. He is such an amazing man! He did 4 loads of laundry, mowed the lawn, edged and weeded last night after coming home from a day at work. I don't know what I would do without him!
The kids keep asking if we can go do something fun. I just don't have it in me. I can fake it and go to the park, but I just sit there wondering if I am going to puke the whole time. Yep, this is my life right now. I know it will be short lived in the grand scheme of things. But right now, it feels pretty miserable.
Yesterday I had an ultrasound. I was a little bummed when I left because it felt so unmonumental for some reason. Yes, I saw the little yolk sack and the little nub with a beating heart. And I am so thankful that everything looks good. I think it just reinforced how much longer I have to go to even reach the second trimester. But do I really want to be in a hurry? It's going to go so fast, I know.
I had a realization this morning that is so silly but that's just how my brain is working right now. I blame the hormones. I was thinking about Josh and Hannah and how my pregnancies with them were so similar and that they were both born the month before they were due and that the deliveries were so smooth and fairly painless (can you say epidural?). And I started to wonder if this one is already so different with the nausea, is the delivery going to be different too? Is it going to go too fast so I won't have time for the epidural? Am I going to have to experience all the discomfort that comes with giving birth? What if instead of being 3 or 4 weeks early, I go full term or even over?! Is it too late to change my mind? You know that saying, "Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it?" I feel like a jerk for even thinking it, but that's kind of where I am at right now. Pity party land.
Really I am so thankful that God is blessing us with another child. I don't want to change my mind, I couldn't anyway. I know the rest of this pregnancy and the delivery will go just the way they are supposed to. It's just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. So I will end this post on a positive note. I'm going to reach deep down inside and share a few things that I am thankful for today.
-I am so, so, so thankful for Shad. He is so strong, confident and so encouraging and patient with me right now.
-I am thankful for the 2 little monkeys I already have the pleasure of raising.
-I am thankful that I haven't actually thrown up even though I wonder if I will sometimes.
-I am thankful that the sun is finally shining.
-I am thankful that we live back home around our old friends and our families. (But I sure do miss the desert!)
-I am thankful for cute maternity clothes.
-I am thankful that I didn't keep any baby clothes so, no matter what sex this baby is, I am going to have to do some major shopping!
-I am thankful that Jen's gift from Thailand will be about the same age as my little one.
-I am thankful that God thinks I can handle this and whenever I think I can't, He'll be carrying me along.
3 comments:
Ooooooh girl, my heart is elated for your baby news but sick to hear how bad it is already. I so know how you feel and when you are sick like that it feels like every minute of the day is an eternity. It messes with your emotions and all you want to do is lay down until it is over. (Some days I literally thought the Lord taking me home would be better!) Hormones on top of it all and it is hard! Every time I am sick I think I won't survive and that I'll never do it again! And each time I mean it until somehow we find ourselves preggo again.:) I am praying for you and for immediate relief so you can be back to the mommy and wife you're used to being. But until then, don't sweat the small stuff. Shad sounds incredible and your kids will still have a wonderful summer and enjoy the moments with mommy...even if they are spent on the couch watching movies.:) I wish I lived nearby and could just take the kids for ya! That was always a huge help when someone did that for me! I'm praying for you and can't wait for you to hit the second trimester.:)
Hey Becky -
As a woman who has been through pregnancy five times - let me just say that no matter what number of pregnancy you are on and how many times you have experienced the "joy" of early pregnancy - it still is tough! I mean, when you feel sick - you feel sick. But I felt the same sort of guilt you talk about - like I should be so grateful that I am even pregnant - but man, I feel crappy. So hang in there - do what you need to do to survive and call it a day :)
Thank you Shannan and Rory. Just what I needed to hear from both of you.
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